What a sinking feeling when "buts" enter positive conversations. "Thanks for cleaning the bathroom, but…"

"Great job with the kids, Hon, but…" 

As Christian sex therapists, we hear a lot of these "buts" attached to comments about sex. Couples usually acknowledge that sex is a gift from God, yet they often add "buts" to their affirmation. Here are some of the most common reservations we hear, and ways we help couples make things better.

Time and energy
"When we make love, we both wonder why we don't do this more often, but our frequency averages about once a month. We don't seem to have the time or energy." 

Inertia can destroy great lovemaking. Often, a sex life in motion stays in motion and gathers positive momentum; a sex life at rest stays stuck and falls from the forefront. Couples often want sex to happen "spontaneously," but they're too busy! Children, careers, church involvement, civic responsibilities, hobbies, and schooling all foil frequency and douse passion. 

In a study of more than 2,000 Christian women, the number one sexual problem was not lack of desire, but fatigue. Most wives don't respond positively to the suggestion of lovemaking at 10:30 at night after a tiring day! Husbands, also weary from many demands, don't think about sex until bedtime.

While men are usually ready more quickly and more frequently, most women have a more receptive or responsive desire. They won't think of sex as often as a man, but if the thought or activity is initiated, they can enter in with enjoyment. If these differences in desire, along with the dampening effects of inertia and fatigue, are not understood, husbands and wives can feel frustrated, pressured, hurt, and bitter.

Solutions:

1. List your optimal times for lovemaking and plan definite times for connection. Create spontaneity and variety within these time parameters.

2. List your most common sexual saboteurs. How will you counter them? Need more energy? A strategic nap? A lock on the bedroom door? An enforced bedtime for the children? (Or for you?)

3. If you are the partner with a lower desire, become more intentional. Many women have found help by writing "TS" ("Think Sex") on their calendar. 

Unfulfilled expectations
"Sex is supposed to be great, but I could go the rest of my life and not miss lovemaking. I don't understand all the hype."

Lack of enjoyment of sexual intimacy stems from many sources. We remember the newlywed who said, "I went on my honeymoon expecting sex to be like a racecar, but I came home with a camel." 

Unrealistic expectations wreak havoc on real, everyday sex. A man or a woman may not understand their own bodies and arousal, or their partner's. Many women are shocked and disappointed when an orgasm doesn't "just happen." 

Sometimes sex has been associated with the thrill of the chase: attracting a mate, but not with truly making love. Long-term love with deep emotional connection remains a foreign concept. Past experiences, such as sexual abuse, can also prevent a spouse's arousal or trust of another with sexual responsiveness. Being passionately sexual can somehow seem wrong or ungodly.

Solutions:

1. Examine what you believe and how you feel about sex—your own sexuality, your spouse's sexuality, and your sexual sharing with each other. Build on ways you already experience intimacy. Explore together how to deepen your emotional, spiritual, and sexual connection as a couple.

2. Grow in understanding your body, its sexual responses, and (if you aren't already) becoming orgasmic. (For more help in this area, check out chapter 17 in A Celebration of Sex by Doug Rosenau).

3. Wives, talk to other trustworthy women, and husbands, talk to other trustworthy men, who enjoy sex and can mentor you.

Lack of expertise
"I want to enjoy lovemaking, but I'm not a proficient lover. It's difficult to get excited about something that makes me feel inadequate." 

Often lack of knowledge about lovemaking is at the root of this sense of incompetence. A husband may suffer from one of the common male malfunctions, premature ejaculation or erection difficulties, or perhaps simply from his wife's lack of enthusiasm. 

Women also may feel inadequate. One recalled how her sexuality had been squelched on her honeymoon by a random and innocent comment from her husband: "I thought you were supposed to move more." She felt criticized and inept. 

Another woman told us how she carefully prepared herself on her honeymoon night, floated out of the bathroom in her beautiful lingerie…and was greeted by her husband's snores. After a wedding day filled with hundreds of people, dinner, and a long drive to the hotel, he had succumbed to sheer exhaustion. She carried that devastation in her soul for a decade before sharing it with him and resolving it.

Even a lack of understanding of aging can create fear and shut down a potentially great love life. Even though our bodies age and physical response changes, the potential for a fun love life exists into our eighties and nineties.

Solutions:

1. Read a manual to learn about lovemaking, sexual responses, aging, and how to deal with sexual malfunctions. (Try A Celebration of Sex After 50 by Doug Rosenau and Secrets of Eve by Debra Taylor).

2. Take time to discuss sexual wounds or fears you may have encountered or created during your marriage.

3. Gently "coach" each other about touches, strokes, positions, or techniques that are pleasurable. Describe to each other what an ideal lovemaking session would be like for you. Accept each other's differences! 

Shame and discomfort
"Everything I see in the movies makes sex seem like the ultimate pleasure, but for me it's painful."

More common in women than men, physical pain can occur in the genital area, especially the vagina. Never ignore sexual pain. Pain can be the result of bacterial infections, scar tissue from childbirth, perimenopause or menopausal thinning of the vaginal tissue, vaginismus (an involuntary spasm of the muscles surrounding the entrance to the vagina), lack of lubrication, and many other causes. 

And sex can be painful for more than physical reasons. I (Doug) remember co-teaching a class with Debra and saying, "Most women suffer from body image problems." Debra stopped me in the middle of the lecture and stated strongly, "Doug, all women suffer from body image problems." This makes being vulnerably "naked and unashamed" (Genesis 2:25) very difficult. Body image issues may be internal (from a woman's own negative self-talk), or external (from growing up with parents or siblings who criticized her body, or—far worse—from her husband's comments or criticism). Couples can't pair discomfort with their bodies and lovemaking and expect a pleasurable experience.

Solutions:

1. Consult a physician who specializes in pelvic pain. Solve, as far as possible, any pain problems.

2. Practice accepting and appreciating your body. Concentrate on the positives.

3. Get sex therapy. Vaginismus, poor body image, and erectile difficulties need professional help.

Don't let "buts" keep you from giving and receiving what God has provided you in your spouse and in your marriage.

Douglas Rosenau and Debra Taylor are sex therapists with Sexual Wholeness, Inc. Visit them at www.sexualwholeness.com.